The Terror of Transformation

Self Portrait on the Santa Monica Prominade

I gotta admit it – I’m often terrified of this huge change I’m making.

The fear started way back, when my dream started getting closer to becoming a reality, but…

Ever since selling my house and leaving Arizona, the fear of what I’m undertaking has been steadily mounting.

What’s Up?

In case you’re not following my goings-on (and why would you be?), here’s what I’m up to.

I’m letting go of most everything I own and moving international with just a carry-on suitcase and a daypack.

I’m starting my adventure in the Philippines.

I’ve sold my house in Tucson, Arizona and yesterday I sold my Toyota Tacoma pick-up.

Between now and Thursday, September 16, when I leave for the Philippines, I’ll reduce my STUFF from five boxes to none, sell two cameras, the laptop I’m writing this on (switching from a 15″ MacBook Pro to a 13″ MacBook Air – smaller and lighter) and scan, shred, recycle or mail a box of files.

It may not sound like much to do, but it feels like a ton to me. (Got the organizer system “Things” to help keep me sane.)

My Inspiration

This idea was born in me way back in December of 2009, when I was on a trip to Costa Rica with my buddy Jean.

We were at the School of the World in Jaco and I was taking Digital Photography and Spanish and Surfing with young people in their 20’s and 30’s from all over the world.

I had this mid-trip/mid-life crisis of despair.  Stimulated by seeing what these “kids” were doing, I was feeling a sense of remorse that I had wasted my life.  That I hadn’t lived My Life.

Because there’s this essential part of me that thrives on adventure.

And then it hit me.  Maybe I’ve been living by other people’s rules lately…

… but what’s to stop me from living by my own rules from now on?

So what I’m in my 50’s and not my 20’s?  I can do whatever I want from now on.

I can change anything.

That’s what I decided to do.  To live internationally, making a living online.  To have friends from all over the world who are also living their dreams.

To live limitless and ageless.

To begin living the life I wished I’d lived – right now.

My Motivation?

This is a little hard to put into words.

That’s because it’s more of a feeling in my gut than something cognitive.  I feel the urge to be in the bigger world…

To see possibilities instead of limitations.

To break free of the cultural expectations of My Culture.

To meet other adventurous people, from allover the world, who’re also testing the limits. To be inspired by them.

To learn and grow and have fun.

To live lightly, without all the possessions I only recently thought I needed to be happy, to be me.

To eat new food that’s fresh and grown locally and in season and it’s not a hip movement with a hip name (like Locavores) to eat that way.

To let go let go let go and see what’s left, what’s the essence of me.

My Plan

I’m starting my travels in the Philippines.

Why there?

Well, I was getting crazy by the unlimited possibilities of the whole wide world.  It was just too much to consider!

Then I started hearing about how Filipinos were the best employees to hire to work on web sites and internet stuff and I was at the point of considering that.

Next my good friend Holly Lovejoy got posted in the Philippines for her Peace Corps stint.

And, I realized that I could live there very inexpensively – and that’s one of my main criteria for a first Spot – because I’ve cut myself off from all money-making activities except this website.  And the info on this site is about 99% free!  So I need to live cheaply, for a while at least.

Also, looking at the world map, the Philippines is in a cool spot, surrounded by interesting neighbors I would enjoy visiting! 

My Obstacles

Oh my gosh!  I never had any idea they would be so daunting or so many or so sneaky or persistent.

First, selling my house was huge.  It brought up so much resistance in the form of fear and “I’m not good enough!”

But now that I’ve got a plane ticket (I leave Sept 16), the fears are, well, huge – and instructive.

In one nightmare, my truck was stolen and with it, the laptop I’m writing this on and my new MacBook Air.

Other nights I’ve been jolted awake in a panic.  Asking myself what was up and opening to the fear, I heard a shouting, scolding voice saying…

What the hell are you doing?

How are you going to make a living?

You’ll be alone and miserable!  Ungrounded and adrift!

This is completely impractical!

So, just yesterday morning, I decided to get shine the light of day on all those dark terrors.

Here’s what emerged:

My Tools

I’ve got help coming to me from so many directions.  I feel blessed and grateful.

That’s me in the blue, lower left

Many, many people are showing me encouragement and feeling the call to adventure by to my actions.  My brother, in a phone call yesterday, was very supportive of what I’m up to.

And I had a great session with my wonderful personal coach, Jennifer Sellers.

At the start of our session I said the image of my current overwhelmed state was a sphere of small white balls, like ping pong balls but smaller.

They were being blown around inside a transparent sphere and flying, bouncing in all directions.  It felt full of energy, but frantic and directionless.

Then, after a skillfully led exercise, I saw the image of me in a kayak (I love kayaking) in a river.  I was going downstream – with the flow – and easily navigating around anything in my way.

Because it was so easy, I was feeling joy and delighting in the beauty around me.

The alternate image I have is of me in dense jungle, whacking my way through with a machete.  Covered in sweat, swiping at bugs, slogging through mud.  I glance through an opening in the trees and spy the tranquil river with an empty kayak there on the shore.

It’s my choice – whacking or gliding.

Which do you choose?

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About the Author

Natalie Hill is a Transformational Coach for women entrepreneurs. She loves empowering women to bust through their blocks so they can be who they were born to be. Contact Natalie at Google+

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