We Just Lost a Dear Member of Our Family
I’ve just returned from the home of my sister. Her husband of 55 years died on Sunday, June 27.
For the last few days, I’ve stayed with my sister, her daughter and her granddaughter. Helping out with the preparations for the funeral, and anything else that needed doing.
My sister doesn’t know about EFT technique. So it wasn’t the time to introduce it to her.
I did a little energy work with her and tapped the EFT points on her a few times. Mainly I just encouraged her that “It is OK to feel sad.” “It’s healthy and good to cry.”
In American Culture, We Often Avoid Feeling Our Feelings
It’s partly cultural conditioning and partly natural avoidance of pain, but we often don’t allow emotions to just flow through us and out. Instead we suppress them, causing them to become stored in our bodies and in our minds.
This suppression of emotion can cause recurring painful memories and thoughts, in addition to physical pain. It can also cause or worsen nearly any physical ailment.
I never did with my sister the tapping sequence I’m giving you here. But I might someday.
You can use this if a loved one dies or you can use it as surrogate tapping, for someone you care about who cannot or will not tap. And when the right time comes, you can even do this with a person who’s grieving.
EFT Technique for Grief and Grieving- What to Tap On
In the case of death of a loved one, it can be challenging to know what to tap on and what to leave alone.
Tap On Thoughts and Feelings of…
Confusion about identity – Not knowing who you are now
These disturbing feelings and the related thoughts and beliefs will disrupt the grieving person’s ability to recover and heal. Any death can trigger these limiting feelings in others. And traumatic death caused by violence, accident or suicide are likely to cause a complex combination of difficult emotions.
EFT Technique for Encouraging a Healthy Emotional Release
You can also tap on the grief, sadness and missing the loved one, even though they are a healthy expression of death and grieving.
Tapping on grief and sadness can be especially healing if the person is blocking or resisting feeling their feelings. Using EFT and the tapping phrases to express grief, sadness and all the associated thoughts and emotions can help give permission to fully express grief.
Expression of emotion is a natural, healthy response to losing someone who played an important role in your life. Tapping cannot bypass grief and sadness. What it can do is clear the complicating and entangling emotions I’ve listed above and enable the natural, healthy grieving to happen with less impedance.
When to Tap
When the grieving person is ready and receptive, all these issues, or aspects can be cleared or reduced with EFT technique.
In the case of violent or accidental death, there will be many more aspects to clear. It could be weeks, months or even years after the death. Tapping for grief works even decades after the trauma, but if you can, it’s much better to do it sooner, when people are open to it and ready for it.
With my sister, the main thing I wanted to communicate that it was OK and beneficial to feel and express her feelings.
EFT Tapping Script for Grief
Here is a possible tapping for grief. Adapt it to your specific situation. This EFT technique was a spontaneous expression of my own grief and from my desire to help my sister.
See the EFT Manual for instructions on how to do tapping therapy.
Set Up – Tapping Continuously on the Karate Chop Point
Even though I’ve just lost the love of my life and I can’t imagine how I’m going to go on without him, I accept myself and the grief that I’m feeling.
Even though I can’t imagine how I’m going to continue living without this person who was so dear to me, I suspect that deep down I’m OK.
Even though I’m afraid to feel the fullness of this grief, because I’m afraid that it’s so enormous that it would swallow me up and I wouldn’t survive feeling it, I accept and embrace this fear and this grief.
Tapping – Three Rounds
Eyebrow: I’m so sad.
Side of Eye: How will I ever live without him.
Under Eye: This grief is so enormous.
Under Nose: He was my life.
Chin: How will I live without him?
Collarbone: How will I ever live without him?
Under Arm: I’m scared I can’t live without him.
Top of Head: For all these years, my life has been devoted to him. I don’t know how I’ll live alone.
Eyebrow: He was my best friend.
Side of Eye: He was my lover.
Under Eye: He was my support.
Under Nose: He supported me and I supported him.
Chin: We were best friends.
Collarbone: I already feel so alone without him.
Under Arm: I just can’t imagine living without him.
Top of Head: How will I do it?
Eyebrow: I loved him so dearly.
Side of Eye: I still do.
Under Eye: I feel like my heart is breaking.
Under Nose: Can I die from this broken heart?
Chin: I feel like I could die from a broken heart.
Collarbone: I know he’s still here with me.
Under Arm: I feel his presence still here with me.
Top of Head: But I can’t see him or touch him and that’s what’s so hard.
New Set Up – Tapping continuously on the karate chop point…
Even though I miss him so terribly already, I want to remember the good times. I want to remember how wonderful our life was together.
Even though I don’t know how I’m going to live without him, I can’t imagine this life alone, I’m so grateful for the years we had together.
Even though it’s still almost impossible for me to admit that he’s gone, I would like to know that I will have the strength to carry on as he would want me to. And take care of myself and continue to be of service to others. And I want my love for him and his love for me to sustain me for this next phase of my life.
Tapping – Two Rounds
Eyebrow: I miss him so much.
Side of Eye: I keep thinking of those last days of his life.
Under Eye: It was such a difficult time.
Under Nose: And I didn’t want him to suffer.
Chin: I knew it was his time to go.
Collarbone: But that doesn’t make it easy to be without him.
Under Arm: Part of me wants him back so badly I’d do anything to get him back.
Top of Head: And part of me knows that his time was over and I’m happy that he’s made this transition.
Eyebrow: I want to be strong for him.
Side of Eye: I want our love to sustain me now.
Under Eye: I want him to feel my love.
Under Nose: I’ll remember and love him every minute of my life.
Chin: He’s so much a part of me and he always will be.
Collarbone: This grief I’m feeling – this sadness, mixed with love, mixed with joy, mixed with gratitude.
Under Arm: Can I survive this enormous sadness and grief?
Top of Head: It’s huge, but I think I can survive it.
Even though I’ll miss him every day of my remaining life, I choose to focus on the love we shared.
Even though I wish he was still here with me, I choose to remember all the great years we spent together.
Even though I don’t know how I’ll live without him, I know he wants me to be strong and happy, so I’ll do my best – for him.
Eyebrow: I’ll miss him forever.
Side of Eye: I still don’t know how I’ll live without him.
Under Eye: I choose to focus on the love.
Under Nose: I choose to remember the decades of love we shared.
Chin: I know he’s still with me.
Collarbone: I know he’ll always be with me.
Under Arm: I’ve decided to be strong and happy, because I know that’s what he’d want for me.
Top of Head: I choose to allow my emotions of sadness and grief to flow through me. And to allow our love to fill me up.
I’d love to hear from you on this EFT script for grief and grieving. It just poured out of me after my dear brother-in-law’s funeral.
Photo by Phil Scoville
p.s. If you’d like to share a personal experience of using an EFT technique for grief and grieving, I’d love to receive it.