“Hi i want to do EFT for my son who doesn’t study at all. please help me.”
This is an important request and one I wanted to devote a whole article to discussing.
I have so much respect for you parents. The job of raising a child feels absolutely daunting to me. I doubt I’d be able to remain objective if I were in Nalini’s situation. But I’ll do my best to shed some light on this for Nalini, and any other parents reading this.
The implications of the question are…
1. EFT done by one person works to change other people (there’s actually a name for that – surrogate tapping).
2. The son wants to study.
3. The son needs to study
4. Not studying is causing or will cause big problems for the son.
5. The mother needs the son to study for the mother to be ok.
I’ll Be Happy if My Son Studies
It is common to want to change others to help us feel better.
It is common for us to believe that we would be happy if only someone else would act differently.
With parenthood it is even more complicated. We are given the implicit charge to help our children learn to be responsible and to have resources and skills so they’ll have the freedom to choose the life they want as adults.
Without studying, without doing well in school, our children’s choices may be limited.
So I can understand any parent’s reluctance to let go of concern over their child’s academic success.
Change Yourself First
At the same time, I assert that changing one’s self – our beliefs, thoughts and emotions – is the best course of action and the best way to increase the possibility that the other person will make their own changes.
When you change the dynamics of the relationship, the other is free to act and respond differently.
In Nalini’s case, changing how she feels and reacts to her son, may enable him to decide – for himself – that he actually wants to study.
We can dig in our heels and refuse to do something we’d otherwise like to do, when we’re being pressured to do it.
That brings me to some questions for Nalini – and for the other parents reading this.
Does your child/son want to study?
Does he want to do well in school?
Is your son bothered by his resistance to studying?
If the answers to those questions are YES, then EFT can definitely help him.
Wanting to do something, but feeling resistance – in the form of procrastination, dread, fear – is a “tappable issue.”
And if the answer to those questions is “no,” then you have a different problem altogether. If all parts of you are in alignment on not studying – every part of you does not want to study – the chances of EFT changing that are slim.
What that means is that for EFT to help someone begin studying, the person must want to study, at least a little.
EFT for Resistance
You can use EFT tapping to great effect when you partly want to do something, and feel resistant to doing it.
Personally, I use EFT all the time for my resistance. Usually, it’s a very quick fix.
The underlying cause of most (all?) resistance is fear.
Basically, we’re afraid of looking bad, making a fool of ourselves, failing in a big obvious way. That’s why we’ll avoid trying.
We may also be afraid it will take too long, we’ll miss out on something else, or the task will be painful.
Avoidance is actually a survival technique.
(Reading the excellent, short, easy and enjoyable book, The War of Art, by Steven Pressfield will help you understand the resistance we have to doing the our work.)
Your son may be thinking (consciously or unconsciously), any of these limiting, self-destructive thoughts:
What’s the use of studying, I’ll fail anyway.
If I study and really try, and still don’t do well, it proves I’m inadequate (stupid, unworthy, incapable, not good enough).
If I do really well, they’ll expect me to continue doing really well, and that’s too much responsibility. I’ll have to work too hard to keep that up.
I don’t have what it takes to succeed. Why even try.
Studying is boring. I’d rather spend my time doing what interests me.
I hate being told what to do. I want to be in control of my own life.
I’ve been shut down so many times for not being good enough. I can’t take the risk of hearing that again. So I’m not going to do anything.
I’d rather get bad grades because I didn’t study at all, than to get bad grades for trying.
All of those beliefs are “tappable.” And by tappable, I mean that EFT tapping is great at transforming those limiting thoughts into empowering and helpful ones.
Getting At the Roots of Limiting Beliefs
The roots of those fears are in earlier experiences and traumas. And in words others spoke to us and in our interpretations of everything that happened.
We interpret the looks on other’s faces all the time.
Someone may look at us and grimace due to physical pain or a thought they just had which had nothing to do with what they were thinking about us. But we, especially as young children, interpret those facial expressions as having everything to do with us.
To a little child, a frown can mean:
She doesn’t love me.
I’m not lovable.
I never do anything right.
There’s something wrong with me.
And we can carry these beliefs with us the rest of our lives. Living up to them. And looking for evidence they are true.
These limiting beliefs we pick up as children are the ultimate in self-fulfilling prophesies.
But we can’t stop with addressing the issues of the son. Equally important here is the discomfort of the mother.
Helping the Parent
Nalini said, “Please help me.”
Let’s say her son has no interest in changing his non-studying habits. It’s tough to force a teenager to study! You might succeed at forcing him to sit in a chair with a book in front of him for a certain period of time – but causing him to actually study is another challenge altogether.
There is one person we can be fully responsible for though. Us. Our self.
And that’s actually where I suggest Nalini start.
What’s implied here is that Nalini has fears and concerns about her son. She may be concerned about his future, his ability to get into college, his ability to earn a living, the limitations of not being educated, his ability to be happy.
She may also be concerned about her relationship with her son.
She may even be concerned about how she looks to others.
“What will people think of me if my son fails in school?”
Since I don’t know any more about this situation than the short request from Nalini, I’ll cover all those bases in a tapping script.
See this related post for a tapping script for “My Son Doesn’t Study At All.”
How do you influence your child to study?